Frequency Builds Intimacy
Reality dating shows are pretty genius. Lock a bunch of single attractive people in a nice location. Take away all their distractions. Make them talk about and think about the object of their desire all day every day. After that let chemistry do it’s job, literally and figuratively. Through looking at this nicer version of Stockholm Syndrome we might be able to glean a bit of information that could be useful in our own romantic lives.
The Honeymoon Stage
We’ve all been there. We meet a new crush and they are constantly on our mind. We talk to them on the phone every day, we share messages in between calls, and we rush out of work to go see them again. Every time we see them we get a little rush of chemicals telling our brain and our body that we like this person. We may not have even been with them that long, but they might be the one! Some call it infatuation, some call it the honeymoon stage. At this point we just can’t get enough of this person.
A wise friend of mine once told me, frequency builds intimacy. I didn’t understand that at the time, I think I was in my freshman year of college and still afraid to talk to women, let alone actually be able to get a date with one. He was wise beyond his years though. The implication is, that frequent exposure to a person builds on the relationship. It works in romantic relationships and other types too, friendships and families. (Note: There is too much.. but those situations we’ll talk about in a future post). In courtship we are at a unique time where frequent dates, talking, and seeing each other can act as an intimacy accelerant. Have you ever been swept up in something new and thought to yourself at some point, “Are we going too fast?”
They Fell in Love How Fast?
Put someone in the desert and give them only one pool of water to drink from and it will be the best water ever. Reality shows really do a great job of isolating people and presenting them with one or few options. Everyone drinks the same Kool-Aid all day every day. It is no wonder that feelings develop so quickly in these shows. There is another factor that comes into play here too though. I call it the comedy show predisposition, perhaps I need a better name. Here is my example of how this works. If I were to stand on any random corner, or walk into a room, and start a standup comedy routine I might get some laughs, but overall a lot of people would be confused about what I was doing. Take the same routine and perform it at a comedy club and you’ll get a lot better reaction. People at a comedy show are primed to laugh, it is what they came there to do, it is an expectation to laugh, they are predisposed to it.
This predisposition is the same thing in a reality dating show. Everyone is there for the same purpose. They are there to fall in love. It doesn’t hurt that everyone is a model and they are plied with lots of booze in a beautiful location, but that is beside the point. The people came here to do a thing, and that thing is to fall in love, and nothing will get in their way! People get so swept up in things when they are predisposed to it that they will knit sweaters out of red flags and make choices they may otherwise not make.
Ok.. So How does this Help Me?
Knowing and understanding these two concepts can be extremely helpful to you in your dating life. If you want to improve relationships think about the frequency of the contact in that relationship. If you want to build on that relationship how can you increase the contact in a positive way? A key skill here is also to be able to understand when the contact is unwanted, consent is key in everything. However, if you want to be better friends with someone, a better romantic partner, a better family member you need to ultimately be present in the relationship. If you are there, if you show up frequently, you will build on the relationship. In dating being aware of this might allow you to step back and ask yourself, do I like this person because they are awesome or because my brain is being held hostage by feel good chemicals due to frequent exposure.
Understanding the comedy show predisposition .. seriously I need a better name… will help you read the room better. Perhaps talking to that person while they are sweaty and working out at the gym isn’t the brightest idea. Maybe the woman sitting on the subway with headphones in doesn’t want you to talk to her. While we all may want to have that romantic story about reaching for the same grapefruit at the grocery store and then our eyes met, lets leave people alone when they are obviously sending out signs that they are not in romance seeking mode. Save that stuff for situations when you know people may be more predisposed for conversation, when the situation is primed for romance.
Infrequency Destroys Intimacy
If FBI, then is the reverse true? You betcha. Anyone who has ever dated knows that horrible feeling when someone you started to like ghosts you. Or perhaps worse yet, you notice that you speak less and less often. You can feel the distance building between you two until one day the connection is just gone. This is IDI … does that work for an abbreviation?… in action. Perhaps it was on purpose, sometimes life just gets in the way and a once close relationship is now an acquaintance or even a stranger now. If this is your romantic partner it’s important to get help before it gets too far, before the person sleeping in the bed next to you becomes someone you used to know.
Final Thoughts
If you find yourself watching the Bachelor and wondering how these silly people fall for each other so quickly perhaps this can help you understand better. Maybe you can reflect on how FBI, CSP, and IDI have impacted your own life. Perhaps you read that last sentence and have some choice thoughts on my use of made up phrases and abbreviations for them. Let me know!
